No more laps to do...

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Have not had the heart to write what will be the last of the Driver’s License blog series post though I had thought a lot about it. Nostalgia had seeped in. Then the interruption of the holidays. Now’s the time…

I did it. I have an Italian Driver's License. 

I feel pretty much the same. Well, I am 10 lbs. lighter. Gave up White wine in November.

After the day-after-Christmas, Santo Stefano… Boxing Day for any English about… I drove to Fivizzano… semi-illegally… to pay Baldo the last installment for schooling me in the arts of driving a car in Italy. Semi-illegally because, my Galloper SUV is considered by the gli Uffici di Motorizzazione Civile… the Italian Department of Motor Vehicles… to be way too big & powerful an automobile for a neopatentato to drive. To be in regola… legal… a FIAT 500 would be ideal. And, for the next three years too. This is silly. As a legally licensed driver… though carrying an American Driver’s L:cense… I was a neopatentato back in 1968. 56 years ago. Many years of driving. Chevrolets to FIATS. At one point, there was even a truck. Until I can plead my case for an exemption from such nonsense before some Italian authority or other, imagine me expressing il mio dispiacere… my displeasure… with the Grand Italian Gesture… in the general direction of Rome, the seat of the Italian State and its hapless departments… by taking the palm of my left hand and slamming it into the crux of my up-raised and slightly bent my right arm. Do note: this gesture is from the horse & buggy days. Hard to pull it off when one’s mitts are 9 & 3 on the steering wheel of a motorized vehicle.

Showed up at l’AutoScuola Fivizzanese and ably maneuvered my Galloper SUV into a parallel parking space right at its front door. I could see Baldo was inside fooling around with his iPhone. Got his toothy smile. He quickly asked if I had "been driving a lot". Had never stopped, was my candid reply. We laughed. Then, we went on to exchange a few words about our respective Christmases… 

Baldo’s… he has a 4 year old son, named Leo. I met him once. I drove him to his pre-school at the beginning of one of my 30 minute lessons. Like his Dad, quite a character. Not afraid to chat-up an adult. Told me he’s got a girl-friend but, she’s difficult. Doesn’t do what he tells her to do. Italian mating. He made an impression. So, I was curious and asked Baldo, if Leo was happy with Babbo Natale’s visit this year? Not really, he said. The kid knew the disguised villager dressed in a Red Santa-suit was a fake. Leo informed his Dad that Babbo Natale only travels at Midnight and does not make public appearances at 4 in the afternoon for a Christmas party. Bored, the 4 year old trotted-off to mess with his PlayStation.

Mine… was watching our 5 nieces scream and holler and cavort around the Christmas tree in one of two LRs in our Genoese loft with the umpteen thousands of gifts You had lavished upon them… vintage hand-bags, years-gone-by designer dresses from Fendi & Armani & Alberta Ferretti, cocktails dresses too, and off-beat items of decor discovered hiding underneath tables at You’s favourite flea-market emporium near Genoa’s stadium. Like what twenty-something would ever want a pair of woven paglia lamp bases? Surprise! The recipient was ecstatic.

The visit ended with our respective plans for New Year’s Eve 2023, what with the Weather Colonel’s forecast for grey weather, rain & fog.

Not sure when I will see Baldo again. In bidding Baldo a Good-bye, I told him I no longer know what to do with myself in the morning, now that I am free from scurrying in my Galloper SUV to Fivizzano via back roads in time for my usual 9:30AM driving lesson. Said the Dogs give my funny looks like… Aren’t you needed elsewhere? Oh, but, get this…

as a principiante driver, I was well within The Law to traverse the highways & by-ways in my neck of the woods in my Galloper SUV… well, so long as I had a licensed adult driver with me as a chaperone. A role, I felt I could adequately furnished for myself, in light of those 56 years. God Bless, my tactic was never contested in an unexpected encounter with the Carabinieri. I am an Italian licensed driver now yet, I cannot legally drive the Galloper SUV. NO POLITE COMMENTS AVAILABLE.

Gave Baldo a hug, got into my Galloper SUV and semi-illegally drove back to Codiponte.

I was at a loss. I missed those lessons.

They were well beyond just learning how to parallel park a White Peuguooot all’italiana. Always the same streets, always the same maneuvers in the same spots… when the citizens of Fivizzano thought to co-operate by not taking up all the parking spaces, so I could nail parallel parking… rather, those 30 minutes were more often filled with variety, stories of local color, histories told by Baldo with much appreciation and charm and love…

heading past La Piazza Liberta’, Baldo saw an old tree on the left at the entrance to Fivizzano’s new & spiffy civic parking lot… nothing is more satisfying than a new layer of Black asphalt and painted White lines after so many years of dodging pot-holes and buckled pavements… and just before the town’s singular traffic light. He was reminded of its story…

the tree… today a massive plane tree… was planted hundreds of years ago. Maybe even a thousand years ago. Now it has several leafy companions making a shady alley to the junction with three bars.  Each one positioned to the passage of the Sun: morning for one, mid-day for another and late afternoon for the last. Where in the World does such an arrangement exist? The morning one is my favourite. Friendly folk… flirty, if the tall guy is in attendance though he remains consistently immune to my smiles. Why do I even try?… and it opens at 4:30AM. Good Lord! Who’s up at 4:30AM, besides You heading to the hospital for a 7:00AM Roll Call? A good cappuccino can be had too and is often offered by Baldo, who holds court inside to chat and outside to smoke a cigarette before every driving appointment.    

When the city began to pave its streets… after The Great Earthquake of ‘22… the workmen discovered the same tree’s roots had reached all the way to the parapets of Fivizzano, a quarter of a mile away. Baldo made sure I had absorb this fact. Satisfied, he went on…

The name Fivizzano actually derives from the Italian name for a fig tree… un fico… planted eons ago in the town’s center, near what is today La Piazza Medicea… famous for its Baroque fountain. Watch out: NO PARKING! As the local folk often do in these parts, the word fico slid into Fivo, then Fivi and onto to finish with Fivizzano. That ending, -zzano implies importance, its position in the realm of things. A bit of home grown history. Oh, and hear this…

just in case… I also learned that Italian Driving Examiners do not like to see one shift gears in mid-maneuver. Before or after, but not during. Two hands must always be at 10 and… OOOPS!… 9 and 3. 

Continuing on through the traffic light, we both noticed a tall young man wearing a heavy khaki colored duffel-coat, a grey wool knit hat pulled down low over his brow, his gaze straight ahead, walking a quietly composed German Shepherd. Got his story while doing two-point inversions… 

he lost his parents when very young. A tragic car accident. The poor child retreated into a near total muteness. Closed down. Raised by elderly grandparents, who naturally had their own grief & problems to contend with, and thus, did not offer much help. His isolation was confirmed. The young man grew up unable to care for himself, to learn a skill, much less hold down a job. He is singularly & solitarily devoted to walking his dog. Day in and day out. And on the same streets as Baldo and I drive on for my lessons.

Circling around and then descending down via Roma from the intersection at the three corner bars, Baldo let out a… Don’t hit that man! What? He’s on a sidewalk, Baldo! Just don’t hit him. He’s my uncle. Really? Yeah, mean as shit. This uncle was tall, somewhat portly and had a clipped manner of walking. His history was one of ticket giving. Used to be Fivizzano’s lone traffic warden. Energetically dispensed pieces of paper off a pad for every & all infractions. Mostly for persnickety violations. Baldo’s Dad was handed a ticket when the uncle noticed the Dad’s car’s back wheels were beyond the White lines of a parking space. Apparently, ended in a public quarrel. Never spoke afterwards. Baldo too had been a victim of the man’s traffic infractions largesse.

Many, many other histories to tell... Baldo even pointed out the apartment house where he grew up… but, onwards & upwards with my quest for an Italian Driver’s License…

The Driving Test was originally scheduled for the morning of December 22nd. Wonderful. Right before Christmas… in Genoa. Baldo had promised me an Italian Driver’s License before Capodanno… New Year’s. Possibility of getting it in early then? And, how so, if I don’t pass the Driving Test? Baldo said nothing more about it. The week of the test, I asked if the appointment stood. Nope. Afternoon now. Shit. During Nap Time? The Examiner, who was on duty for the Theory Test back in November, would also be the one to check my driving skills in a White Peuguooot. Baldo added that when the Examiner comes all the way to Fivizzano… right there, a great convenience, and I should be forever beholden to him for it… he likes to eat a good local pranzo, chat, drink White wine before traveling around with a couple of 18 year olds and a 71 year old ex-pat American. However, the new appointment time allowed me one last lesson in the morning of the 22nd to further refine the key maneuvers. I was told to be at the AutoScuola at 3:00PM. If I must, I will.

Nervous, I was at my preferred Corner Bar at 2:45PM. No Cute Guy. Saw one of those 18 year olds on the docket for the day’s Driving Test sitting on the little piazza messing around with his iPhone. At 2:58PM, I walked up the short distance to the AutoScuola. No White Peuguooot. Sunbathed across the street at the gate to the Casa Funebre… Funeral Home. 3:10PM… 3:22PM… 3:26PM… still no White Peuguooot. Another 18 year old joined the first at the door to the AutoScuola. 3:41PM… 3:46PM… 3:52PM… and suddenly, the White Peuguooot barreled noisily up via Roma, did a maniacally risky two-point inversion and, dodging on-coming cars, slammed-dunked the car into a poorly executed… but typical Italian stunt to avoid the art of Parallel Parking… parking in the school’s space at the feet of the two stunned 18 year olds. Out popped Baldo’s teenage daughter. Tight jeans, straight Red hair flying, her piumino jacket flapping. The two 18 year olds perked up. The daughter hollered through the wake of her arrival that Baldo was on his way. And off she skipped down the street and into the setting Sun.

Baldo bounced up via Roma at 4:03PM. Soon followed by the Examiner in his sleek blue Alfa-Romeo. He pulled the same stunt as Baldo’s daughter. Baldo hopped inside the White Peuguooot to correct the error of his daughter’s ways… ignoring the Examiner’s car’s iffy position. Probably for political purposes, and rightly so. I, as student, was about to be examined by said gentleman. No sense ruining the mood after a long & delicious lunch. Baldo indicated for me to take his place inside the Peuguooot and to be ready for the Driving Test. I followed orders. Somehow, and quite suddenly, we were four people inside: me, Baldo to my right, the Examiner in the back behind Baldo and Baldo’s daughter behind me. She needed a ride to work. OK.! Hop in. More the merrier. Baldo gave me the sign to drive off.

You know, there’s a rather valid reason for not conducting Driving Tests in the late afternoon, especially after 4:00PM in an Italian town, village, city. Stores re-open after la pausa pranzo at 4:00PM. People sprout from every direction. Mostly women. I had a Hell-of-a-time dealing with fuseau & pumino clad semi-wide signoras electing to go shopping and walking in the street rather than using any side-walk. The Examiner complained. I had to stay stuck until I could drive on the right side of the street without eliminating any semi-wide female pedestrians. Men have the Good Sense to delegate such tasks. Once liberated, I was asked to make a left turn…. thankfully down a quite street… followed by the request to perform a Parallel Parking maneuver. Discreetly done, I must say. This was quickly followed by the request to do a two-point inversion to then head back to via Roma. I made a left turn at the Stop. What transpired was a skeptical interrogation & comments made by the Examiner regarding a few details about me: had I lied about my age ‘cause I do not look like a 71 year old? Guessed I was really 55… What was it like to be born in Denver, Colorado USA? No different than being born in Des Moines, Iowa. He missed the joke.… Where do I live but, Baldo replied to this query… Codiponte! Where’s that?… and once done, we were at Fivizzano’s traffic light. I was asked to make a right turn and, lo’ & behold, we were at the intersection of the 3 corner bars. Dropped off the daughter, so she could head to the store where she worked. I was asked to make another right turn and to stop outside the AutoScuola. There commenced a little ceremony…

Baldo officiated… said I was an exemplary student, having taken seriously the challenge to do all that was necessary to successfully obtain an Italian Driver’s License… that I was a person of exceptional quality & gentility… and I was esteemed by one (Baldo) and all (about 14 fellow students)… and so, having already explained these important details to Signore Angelo, the Examiner present… Sono felice di dart questa… and Baldo handed me an already prepared Patente Italiana in una busta di plastica.

Done. And, apparently, pre-ordained. No argument there. I had actually been forewarned… una patente prima di Capodanno. Great!

So, I am left with closing by giving Thanks where Thanks is deserved…

The two Carabinieri agents for not arresting me, sequestering my Galloper SUV and socking me with a heavy fine. Instead, they kindly directed me to Baldo and from that point, I was on my way…

Lexotan… a universally recognized Italian miracle of tranquillizing drops…  to see me avoid becoming a complete & total nervous wreck for such adventures as taking the Theory Test in messy Massa…

our dear sweet & generous Codiponte friends… she and her daughter both attended the AutoScuola Fivizzanese. And with her husband, the couple nourished my body with glorious dinners and my spirit with how to do it. Fell into two IMPORTANT messages: do quizzes until you cannot do another qwtz and just follow what Baldo tells you to do when behind the wheel of the darn Peuguooot. And, it worked… 

My German friends… who remained steadfast through it all. They ain’t shoddy either in the Nourishment & Moral Support Categories and despite the fact that I had given up White wine…

And finally… Big Thanks to my family of You… Prince of My Heart… and all my incredible nieces and their respective & equally fantastic boy-friends/fiancees… who all had charted the same Driver’s License waters and had never ceased with their encouragement, understanding and support.

Thank you.

The End

 

Nearly the Last lap...

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Appointment with Driving License Destiny is in 12 days from today.

I had thought during the solid month between the Theory Test of last November 15th and the Driving Test on the 22nd of December, I would drive with Baldo twice a week. That should be sufficient. I know how to safely drive a car. From that perspective, I felt I could manage the Driving Test Challenge with a return to the exact same schedule when attending Theory Classes from the time I was nabbed by the Carabinieri back in July until I embarked upon Theory Test Super-Study Over-drive in the middle of last October. As you all know, that paid off. Aced it! So, Tuesday and Thursdays at 10:00AM.

Yeah, 30 minutes circling around Fivizzano. I hated it. Really hated it…

I don’t take instruction well… at all. Tell me what I am supposed to do… The Objective… LET ME DO IT, DAMN-IT!!!… The Execution… and then, you can criticize the heck out of whatever I did…. The Evaluation. I politely asked Baldo for this to be our procedure and I got an immediate…Non ci penso neanche, amico. No way, man. Kind of hurt my feelings. Offended. I do not take offense well… at all. Does this make me out to be an obnoxious person? I wanted to defend, to preserve my way of driving a car which I have done successfully for the last 53 years and with only so much as a fender bender or, two in that time. Surely that will do?

Instead, I was introduced to Baldo’s methods. He’s a foot on, hands waving, head shaking sort of instructor. Does not explain things either. WHAT IS HE DOING? Baldo would not allow me to independently drive the car. A weird sensation too, as I would gently push the accelerator to begin a maneuver and suddenly, I’d feel the car slow down or, even stop. Baldo did not like what I was doing and had depressed either his clutch, his brake or, both. No need for an highly animated lecture on how WRONG my attempt had demonstrated. Got that during his stealth manipulation of the crappy car’s pedals. This is demoralizing. What I wanted to avoid. Was forced to stick with demoralization. The Objective of Italian Driving Instruction has nothing to do with safely driving a car. Again, I know how to safely drive a car. Nope. It was audibly apparent, I did not know how to drive a car Baldo’s Way since… His Objective, the Winning Ticket here… is to get me to pass the Driver’s Test on the 22nd of December. The Examiner wants to see you drive a car as he/she/it/they want you to do it. I am thick headed. Comes from my Scottish roots, I have been told. On the third lesson, I went into Battle Mode. I was going to DEFEND how I drive. I CAN DO THIS! Sinatra’s Anthem, My Way. Drove right past obnoxious towards full-tilt annoying… for Baldo… I am sure. Truly, this was going to end badly. Nevertheless, the man would not leave me alone. As I wrote, thick headed. So, as the pendulum swings, I swung against his every and constant indication, criticism, repetition, etc. while making left and right turns, parallel parking, backing up, reversals, inversions, even just sitting at a traffic light. It was exhausting. Nothing I did met expectations. And, of course, not. I was intolerable. As we tootled towards the AutoScuola, Baldo cut short the lesson by 5 minutes, he braked the car and proceeded into an animated, spit-spewing hissy-fit, the gist of which was… If you insist on driving like you just did today, YOU WILL NOT PASS THE DRIVING TEST!!! He hollered the infamous word… BOCCIATO!!! Finished, he got out of the car, shut the door, and went into his office, probably to smoke a cigarette or, two. I extracted myself from the car… Thank God without instruction from Baldo… and was almost flattened unto a premature Death by an old man barreling up Via Roma in a noisy 1980’s White FIAT Panda 4X4. If you have time to honk, you have time to swerve, is always My Philosophy. I mumbled an ardent hope the geezer would run into a nearby lamp post and cut short his old man life. I also wished him the handy use of his Panda as a convenient coffin. The Fivizzano Cemetery is at the end of Via Roma. Can’t beat that, can you, now? My demise was probably A Suitable End to a horrible driving experience… and all of my own doing too. In hindsight. Inside the safety of my Hyundai Galloper SUV, I immediately called You. Hark! He answered on the first ring. He quietly listened to me tell My Story and then, in his reply, used his I am appalled at me tone of voice. I hate it when he takes to the Opposition. I drove home, caressed and hugged My Two Adoring Dogs, who were ABSOLUTELY THRILLED TO HAVE ME HOME ONCE AGAIN, unlike the Rest of the World, it seemed. Promptly crashed off the wagon of NO WINE by consuming an entire bottle of a chilly Vermentino, while watching Red, White and Royal Blue…

a cleverly done LGBTQ+ movie… Boy, have the Times since changed from my day: Gay was the standard cap-phrase… a story about the son of an American president falling in love with an English HRH Prince. Cute, heart-warming, and often truthful confection on Amazon Prime. And yet, it is also ruthlessly crushing in its media induced poor self-esteem, as one movie critic wrote, by watching Two impossibly beautiful men oogle each other for an hour and a half. And the two protagonists are just that: breathlessly beautiful and masculine. And, in addition to their extreme beauty, they can play the piano, sing, dance and wear tightly tailored suits to perfection too. Fuck.

I went to bed. The dogs followed.

Letting emotions, notions and other sensations settle, I decided for the next lesson, I’d take 10 drops of Lexotan… a miracle tranquillizing drug, the Italian Prozac. I normally only do 5…coupled with the uncharacteristic desire of… I’m going to be pleasant, amenable and attempt to have fun. I want to pass this fucking Driving Test!!! Yes, it was the drug. I arrived. Baldo was smoked out. We spent 30 minuti simpatici insieme. I properly executed all necessary maneuvers, with little assistance on the part of Baldo and for my part, all done with a smile and an easy manner.

Onwards.

Practise makes perfect?

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Ahhh, embarking upon the last phase of Getting An Italian Driver’s License: the Practical Driving Lessons…

again, to repeat for the umpteenth time, the objective of obtaining an Italian Driver’s License is to pass the test. Whatever. That’s the game. The now relegated to Past History Driving Theory Test, passed on the 15th of November, and the Practical Driving Test is in my immediate future and scheduled for the 22nd of December, the Friday before Christmas!!! Lovely. Oh! But, Land’s o’goshen! The Driving Test Examiner comes to the AutoScuola Fivizzanese rather than for me to go to him/her at that mess called Massa.

My first Driving Lesson with Baldo was last Tuesday, the 21st of November. Just tell me the facts, sir. Just shy of a week from my much-acclaimed Victory in acing the Driving Theory Test with 0 errors!!! on the Wednesday before. Yes, I may be over-doing it in mentioning this stunninig fact so often. Excuse me. I am not often so thrilled.

The Driving Lessons lasts ONLY 30 minutes. You have to book the appointment the day before via a Whatsapp chat… which I hate. Cannot tell you how many times I… AND THE DOGS TOO!!!… have been rudely awakened at 11 o’clock at night because, some 18 year found his/her ON Button, when there wasn’t anything interesting on TV or, on any other device, suddenly remembers the need to book. Our Collective Bed-time is 9:00PM. Like boarding a B-777 for a flight across the Atlantic ast CDG Airport and the interminable Boarding Process 45 minutes before Departure Time, it takes the Man and two Dogs several hard earned minutes of negotiation to get Croesus not to scombussolare… upset… the bedding to the single bed, what with that usurper, The Anthea-person, occupying a Prime Position near to me up by the pillows.

Yes, the Driving Lessons are ONLY thirty minutes. Hardly enough time to fiddle with the mirrors. And, the first five of those minutes are devoted to Baldo finishing his cigarette and chatting-up some passerby before we squeeze ourselves into his AutoScuola’s White Peooogeot. A crappy car. No wonder too! What with the ebb & flow of countless 18 years grabbing its steering wheel at 10 and 2…. Ooops! Sorry. In Italy it’s 9 and 3. Don’t forget! The thumbs to the Heavens. Also, be not surprised to learn there is a Crucifix dangling above the dash-board of the automobile’s Black faux-leather interior. Shhh… it’s against the Law. But there you have it; Italy, again. But hark! The first annoying thing I discover is the Driver’s Seat does not go back far enough for my not-so-out-of-the-ordinarily-long American legs. Once the manoeuvre’s accomplished… done with the accompaniment of unintelligible grumps & groans, on my part… my knees end up parallel to the top of the the steering column. The first time, I looked at Baldo and he looked at me. I shrugged and he shrugged. And off we drove.

Now, I had learned from a previous unsolicited criticism from Baldo after he had witnessed my departure from a parallel parking space next to the entrance to the AutoScuola Fivizzanese to head home to the Love of My Animals…

I had gone to say Ciao! post-test Victory and to pick up my Foglio Rosa Patente B, a temporary Driver’s License… or, a Learner’s Permit, if you will… allowing me to drive legally any vehicle covered by the B License… even a farm tractor!!!… yet, mandatorily accompanied by a person, who has less than 65 years of age and has had a Driver’s License for more than 10 years. I am skipping those details. No one handy’s around who fits that bill. So, I am still driving illegally until I have a real Italian Driver’s License, promised to me by Baldo for before New Year’s. At which time, I will have to buy an Italian pip-squeak FIAT to drive for a year to be fully in accordance with the Italian Driving Laws for newly patented drivers. Yep, the Italian State doesn’t trust its newly licensed citizens to manage a car beyond a certain level of cylinders in the beginning of their careers as drivers. Might help if it changed the process entirely and focused on actually teaching folk to drive rather than to just pass the damn tests. But, I digress…

anyway… I did not IMMEDIATELY look to my left before preforming the other elements of the Entering Traffic Manoeuvre: after looking left, to look right, then, to use the turn signal, keeping it clicking with the forced submission of what is supposed to be the gentle touch of a right hand, while ones’ paws are at 9 and 15 to collectively twist the steering wheel in the desired direction to ease the car into the traffic flow. I HAD MADE A BIG NO-NO!!! A VERY BIG NO-NO!!! Baldo explained that practically anything I do with a car examiner entails first looking left. DON’T LOOK AT THE MIRRORS!!! Not until you’re underway. What? Sorry, there’s no other way to put this… I can’t fucking see to my left! The door & window struts interrupt the view. Doesn’t matter. Italian Automobile Protocol imposes looking first to one’s left as an absolute must. So, the rest of the lesson is for us guys to drive around Fivizzano for 20. minutes…. 5 already spent… and 5 more devoted to The Wrap-up… cigarette lit: You drive all right but, you need to pay attention to what I say about where, when and how to do things. Right. Look left. Yes!

A weird sensation came over me after Baldo’s Wrap-up, as to what these Driving Lessons were all about quietly began to infiltrated my thought processes. All we ever did with the subsequent lessons was to drive around on the same streets of Downtown Metropolitan Fivizzano. Never in the same order but ALWAYS in the same direction. It dawned on me at a Thanksgiving dinner…

an American friend, a sculptor, and married to one of my oldest friends, since I came to live in Italy, and who had also worked for me as an accessories designer during my long ago other life as a Fayeshion Designer, invited me to join them at a Thanksgiving dinner hosted by an Italian woman, the owner of a splendid country hotel near Pietrasanta. Think low, softly beige, stone farm-houses gorgeously renovated for paying guests, spoiling them with grassy lawns, olive trees, vineyards, patios and loggias and an Olympic sized swimming with cabanas plus communal sitting & dining rooms where meals produced by two chefs to keep everyone well fed. In the season. Oh! And there are horses and pigs and ducks and rabbits too. Now, I’ve been to other parties with my friends and they were encounters with bean sprout & almond salads and pasta with tofu & UFO veggies,, etc. Not this shindig! The turkey was succulent and beyond tasty. I had two large helpings. Normally, I avoid the turkey. The eclectic group of guests… all artists, mostly sculptors, which is no surprise being so close to Pietrasanta… had each brought a Thanksgiving dinner contribution which, were exactly what you would’ve wanted for such a dinner, and yet, the 20 odd dishes were made with interesting twists in flavours and presentation. Minimum of second helpings of all that too.

A few of the guests I knew and the start of the evening was… What have you been up to lately? Well, I was nabbed by the Carabinieri back in July… so, I have had no Life… what-so-ever… but to go to Driving School, study and with hopes to pass the tests and get an Italian Driver’s License before I die. Oh! For me too. Gosh! A shared experience…

a warm French woman, a sculptress, sitting across from me dove in with Her Story:

she was driving near Pietrasanta… Marble Sculpture Art Central… an Italian tagged car with a French Driver’s License and packing a Permesso di Soggiorno in Italia… the residency permit… of less than 10 years, when she was stopped by the Carabinieri. Merde! The agents did not like how her documents lined up. This is one of those essentially Italian notions which…. hopefully… most of the World does not worry about, ie, opting to check ONLY one doc is entirely sufficient and adding a… You may go now. What happened? No… Si puo andare ora. The Carabinieri sequestered her car and towed it off and took her to Carabinieri HQ under arrest. The next couple of hours were fraught. Well, until a different agent appeared upon the scene, and who was originally French. Quelle chance! He took pity. And, did what everyone should do… come to the rescue of a fellow citoyenne. He disappeared. Came back a while later. Said she was free to go and in her vehicle too because… the overly scripted Italian Law said she would have ONLY committed una grave atto contro la Legge Italiane, worthy to be arrested, had she held a Permesso di Soggiorn for more than 10 years. Nope. 8 years & 7 months. SAVED!!! Well, until she was sucked into the vortex of getting an Italian Driver’s License. Another story but, no time for that…

up piped a Swiss-American friend sitting next to me… another sculptress… who followed with Her Story:

the same, a duplicate, a Carabinieri carbon-copy! Baring a couple of details. Driving in Pietrasanta with an American Driver’s license in an Italian tagged FIAT van and carrying a Permesso di Soggiorno in Italia, when, lo’ and behold, there were the Carabinieri stationed at a gas station’s parking lot for a doc check. Van towed away to a lonely existence in a lot somewhere. The sculptress arrested and taken to HQ. They threatened throwing the Italian Law books at her… which I thought they already had by arresting her. Capista! The Carabinieri were thwarted by the same less than 10 year codicil. SAVED TOO!!! Well, until she was sucked into the vortex of getting an Italian Driver’s License which, she FLUNKED three times. You didn’t go to Driving School? Study the manual? Do qwtzes ad infinitum? Fret & storm the unfairness of it all? No, I did none of that except for the last. Oh! So hard to avoid stress. I know. I’m an expert at Fret & Storm. On her third attempt, she made two errors too many but, the examiners were tired of seeing her failing test after test. So, they let her pass, and get this… as a BONUS… they dispensed with the Driving Test too! Must’ve been really exhausted from looking at her face. NOW SHE WAS SAVED!!!

And my American friend… the inviter… added his tale to tell:

He was good. A year after gaining his Pemesso di Soggiono in Italia, following the Letter of the Law, he thought, I can do this Driving License thing WITHOUT going to Driving School… how could it be that difficult?… I’ll do it by myself. So, he read the Rules & Regulations Manual off the Internet, studied it and then took the test. Failed it. Had to wait a month before taking it again. And he Failed it again. Hmmm? Guess I better go to Driving School. Learned it’s not about learning the rules of driving or driving the damn car in Italy but, passing the tests. He Failed a third time. However… and what luck fellow readers… the examiners let him pass with too many errors too. My American friend thinks it was probably with the complicity of the Driving School owner. Once again, there you have it; Italy. Boy, the Times have certainly changed since then. No complicity. Just fear coupled with infinite studying.

Hearing this last story, it gelled for me. Totally. Unequivocally. Completely. Baldo was merely instructing me to memorise what, when and how to drive the streets of Fivizzano to…. ta-dah!!!… pass the frigging Driving Test on the 22nd of December. Got it. Let’s go do it!


Back to class...

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Studying at home is lonesome. And, there are so many important distractions…

The Dogs. Distribution of Treats, being let out, being let back in, being let out again, desiring a massage of their Inner-Thai… don’t ask… or, head scratch, devoted attention, in general. Invariably, I loose my train of thought. What does the blue sign with 30 encased in a circle mean? Damn.

Someone would Whatsapp me. Then another and another. Like they just woke up and felt the need to catch up. Really? You would alternate Whatsapp-ing with actually calling me. Several times in the arch of a day of study. Oddly wanting to chat. Never does when working at the hospital. But absolutely wanted to, while on a two week R&R holiday to his family’s apartment… with an uninterrupted mozzafiato view of the Mediterranean Sea… above the crusty shoals of Alghero in Sardinia. I’m not a chatter. Oh! Found out what that sign means in between You’s telephone calls: minimum speed limit permitted. Now, if someone will only tell me what it means when a tightly uniformed policeman with the White helmet has his right arm raised to the Heavens, I’d be more than just pleased. I already know that it does imply that the Pope is in the neighbourhood. Sturm und drang.

Did loads of laundry because… Hark!… the sun’s out. We have had an unexpected and relatively lengthy onslaught of rainy weather of late. Past 10 to 12 days. Couple of major storms too. Garden is watered until, at least, the New Year.

Doing daily qwtzes and consulting the manual when WRONG… and putting aside feelings of annoyance and abandonment… still left me with questions needing personal clarification. I needed Baldo. I missed him too. Calling would not do. On the rare occasion I’d risk a call, I always had the knack of catching Baldo in the midst of a folk-filled bar. His voice lost with the surrounding noise pollution… in Italian.

Out-of-the-blue, Baldo called me! Kindly asked how I was doing, and then, quickly followed by asking me if I was having any problems with certi argomenti sui qwtz studying at home. Yes! Precedence at intersections. Practically got an Italian version of… Well, son. Come on in. I’ll do Precedence for ya’. A voice of Help. Terrific. I said… Yes! I’m on my way.

Am I? Doubts seeped in. Can I do this… this quest to survive not only the prep but, also pass the both the theory and driving tests… weighty enough… yet, there’s extra tonnage…

I think the Stars and the Heavens have it in for me. I might have mentioned this before. I’d be surprised if I haven’t. Here’s an updated summary:

1) nabbed by the Carabinieri, the reason for this episodic blog rant…

2) broke a tooth on a piece of bread crust at breakfast on Ferragosto. I found it not ONLY uncomfortable… having to always chew on the left side of my mouth… and upsetting to periodically spit out hard pieces of a broken tooth and filling… but also, morally and ethically unjust. Could not find an available dentist within a 50 kilometre radius of Codiponte. Had to wait two weeks for the nice Dott/Dentist in Fivizzano to get back from his Ferragosto vacation, like all the rest of his professional clan, to see to it. Promptly got socked with his estimate of €2,500 for a new tooth. ONE NO ONE WILL EVER SEE. And, especially me. Has to be made of titanium at that hefty price. Would crowd share be an option?

3a) suffered repeatedly from Heat Stroke during the two months of our now habitual Summer Climate Crisis heatwaves, searing temps above 100F degrees. And while I am at it… I sweat when physically over-heated. I REALLY sweated through all of July & August. Thus, it was absolutely guaranteed to have manifested major out-breaks of heat rashes in several zones in my Lower Sectors. I doubt I need to furnish any further details,. Correct?

3b) my blood pressure practiced its Up & Downs in the above same period. Felt my head would explode, lingering headaches in my frontal lobe… haven’t a clue as to what that controls but, I was more than my usual nervous…. plus panting, general malaise, irritability, shortness of temper, etc. Took the entire two Summer months and some extra days too in order to find the proper medicines and dosage, collaborating with my kind Dottoressa. Had to follow-up with apologies to all my Nearest & Dearest & Others.

3c) managed to scrape the top of my bare head on the cornice of the low pass-through which connects the Loggia to Casa Grande’s Yellow-Green Kitchen. You know Yellow attracts bugs? Darn thing would not heal. Bled all over three sets of pillow-cases and a few duvet covers too. The stains resembled Rorschach Tests of a certifiably insane person. Perhaps I was. I have seen my kind Dottoressa with another set of visits since, obtaining an appointment with a dermatologist without driving to Grossetto or Cremona…. both viaggi would have entailed entire days of travel to ‘n fro and in a car I am not supposed to be driving… smacked of being an impossibility. The last cream prescribed by my kind Dottoressa may have, finally, done the trick. Dare I say… It’s healed? No scabs. Sorry.

3d) Made the classic long-past-65 mistake of over-doing it at the gym. In particular, on the machine… or, is it an apparatus?… to do Leg Extensions. I suspect a lethal dose of too much weight coupled with too much enthusiasm shot the proper functioning of my left knee. By evening, I could feel the pain and with NO GAIN. Well, any gain experienced would be that enjoyed by the pharmaceutical companies, who manufacture the anti-inflammation drugs I have been popping morning and night since.

4) I quit drinking wine. Have had only two teeny-weeny glasses of White wine in the last month… to be polite at someone’s house for dinner… I swear it! Have slimmed down. I can slip on an L in a T-shirt. A near miracle. But, damn-it, the tummy remains, though reduced in square footage. Going to the gym was supposed to give the protruding element a kick in the right direction. Back to my kind Dottoressa, etc. Not to the gym for awhile.

and, finally…

4) my 14 year old Hyundai Galloper SUV is living through mechanical ill-health. It is heartbreaking. I love the car. One afternoon, it wouldn’t start. And, it wouldn’t start… and, it wouldn’t start. Had to call for help from our Mechanic: from the parking lot of the Carrefour super-market down in Gragnola, from underneath the Medieval Bridge below il Poggiolo where I park the SUV and, at the Water Kiosk next to Codiponte’s cemetery, a convenient stone’s throw away from our Mechanic’s garage. It’s behind the church. More convenience. On a spiritual plane. Our Mechanic initially believed the problem was with the state of the oil pump. Leaked a lot of oil. Took a week… WITH NO VEHICULAR SUBSTITUTE!!!… to get the contraption repaired and re-installed. Picked up the SUV one morning and, the following, drove off to the Lidl in Aulla to grocery shop. A critical need. For Dogs and Man. Wouldn’t start after I had bought out the store. Called You first. He suggested everything but, to call & disturb Our Mechanic and on a Sunday morning… a rainy Sunday morning. I called our Mechanic. He answered the call and came to the rescue and worked to get the Galloper running so, I could drive it back to the garage in Codiponte for further investigations and eventual repairs. At the Lidl, he had found a couple of wires within the guts of the oil pump which were frayed, etc. Thought that was definitely one of the tasks on the To-do List for the oil pump repair guy. Seems not. The Mechanic thought so too. He was pissed off. At one point in his travails… underneath a plastic raincoat draped over his head working under the SUV’s hood and in a downpour… he politely asked me if he could swear a bit. I said… Why, of course. Certainly. He let out a series of blasphemies in rapid fire starting with Porco cane!!!. The others consistently containing the word Porco are too…? Too…? Too ugly to print. On the Monday after the Sunday, got the word to come and get the Galloper… Tutto a posto. All set. Used the car a couple of times with no trouble starting it at all. Not a whiff. Then, I let the thing rest until yesterday, another Saturday, when I needed to head to an appointment in Fivizzano. It wouldn’t start. Then, it did. Drove immediately to tell Our Mechanic of the return to the recent problem. In the meantime, his son… manning the garage, told me his Dad had skipped town with his Mom in tow for some R&R in Egypt. Not any place I would care to be in at this moment in our ongoing Time-Space Continuum. His son took matters in hand. The Galloper started right up so, the recommendation was to bring it back in on Monday. Drove to Casola to pull money out of the ATM before driving on to Fivizzano. Flush with cash, got in the Galloper, turned the key, and it wouldn’t start. And, it wouldn’t start and it wouldn’t start, etc. Called the Mechanic’s son, who was not keen on coming up to rescue me but, he did anyway.. Tried his best. The rains had held off. Nothing worked. Drove me back to Codiponte, handed me the keys to his Mom’s FIAT 500 and off I headed to Fivizzano. Came back to Codiponte later and discovered a message from the Mechanic’s son that he had the car towed to the garage and to come by this coming Monday, when an electrical specialist will be delving into what is now thought to be an electrical issue. With all this water about too. What a Joy!

Onwards I trudge though my burdens are great.

I was late for class. Or, thought I was. Managed to avoid any Carabinieri, parked the FIAT 500 right on Via Roma and hiked up the street to the Auto Scuola. Baldo was outside smoking the umpteenth cigarette while canvasing the street in both directions. Gave me a smile when he saw me. I excused myself for being late. Gave the rains and afternoon traffic as excuses. Valid ones, I might add. He said I wasn’t. Well then, why are you outside? Waiting for you, Mr Forrest. Come on in! Then he said, patting me on my shoulder… I have good news and some more good news. Oh? You can take the theory test on the 15th of November and, if you pass, I can guarantee you’ll have an Italian Driver’s License before New Year’s! Golly. So soon?




Home study...

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Driver’s Ed at home…

not a big entertainment. Well, in between trying to absorb the Rules of the Road info I am not generally interested in but, I am particularly interested in to pass The Qwtz, I am KILLING a good number of flies… absolutely, the Scourge of the Earth. No scientist, environmentalist, naturalist or, other, can ever convince me of the importance of insects which feed on… oh! Gads. Never mind. My record Kill Rate, accomplished with my handy-dandy red plastic fly-swatter bought at the ferramenta…. or, hardware store… down in Gragnola, the town below Codiponte, is 11 KILLS in 8 minutes. Tiny dead bodies littered the terracotta flooring around my table out on the loggia. They are eventually swept-up and thrown into the fireplace to be incinerated in the evening’s fire. An appropriate end. But I am not finished! Nope. We are enjoying another season of stink-bugs. An invasion. Word has it they were a gift from all the Chinese imports into Italy in recent years. The buggers love nothing better than to strafe you on their buzzing flight from the folds of a sun-curtain to a sweater draped over an adjacent chair… again, out on the loggia. Also, I have to keep all doors and windows closed so the imports won’t invest our house!!! Just the other day, I happened to descend down to La Casetta to pull out a needed sweater… more controversy and from the Climate Crisis: it’s freezing here when the sun don’t shine and blazingly hot when it does. Replicates one of those scary episodes from Rod Serling’s Twilight Zone, from the 60’s… I interrupted a convention of stink-bugs nestled in my sweaters inside the armoire and around the window mouldings. Hoping to escape for a better lot of wool or cotton? Chissa? Comunque mi fanno schiffo!

What can I say? Distractions from one menace to another. Tedious tasks of violence of a bio-nature to those on the road. I mourn no Baldo. No Cana. No interruptions…

like the other day. Baldo was mid-stream with his Opening Remarks…

he was in merry Democratic mood. He had asked us which of two topics we would like to delve into for the day’s class: 1) Segnali di Indicazione Parte II (Indication signals, and it’s a whooper argument! or, 2) Gli Elementi della Patente (Elements of Driver’s Licenses, a major tome of confusional details)? An impromptu election was held by raised hands and 2) won… handily.

and then, WOOOSH!!! Baldo raced around the classroom quickly turning off monitors, the FIAT Tema mock-up, ALL THE LIGHTS… a relief too. I always feel tortured by fluorescent lighting... and brusquely told everyone to hush… there was a funeral going on at the funeral home across the street from the Autoscuola Fivizzanese. The 13 of us sat hushed in the dark. Baldo stood by his desk so he could periodically keep an eye on the proceedings via the carpeted corridor, a telescope to the World beyond though cluttered with containers for plastica, carte e indifferenzata. The amount of plastica always exceeds the capacity of any container. A Law of Refuse. Then, after several minutes, and just as abruptly, Baldo motioned for all of us to follow him outside to clap for the departing deceased. Literally, a standing ovation. Not much of a crowd of mourners though. We upped the numbers. We made more noise too.

I love the moments when Italians applaud… at funerals, weddings, baptisms and when not dragging-racing through town, waving the Italian national flag and honking the cars’ horns, after a win game of soccer match shown on a big screen TV… in a bar.

The flower bedecked casket ambled out upon the shoulders of six dark-suited and relatively burly men to the waiting Mercedes-Benz hearse… has to be a modified and elongated station wagon model with great sleek expanses of windows. A weirdly streamlined automobile. Like the deceased might want to get wherever faster? I guess, the expanse of glass also is to show to best light the bier inside so passer-bys can pay their respects by genuflecting the sign of the Cross. Sober White curtains were gathered aside to attest to its presence within. The hearse moved slowly away to our applause and off it rolled up Via Roma to the cemetery, conveniently located below the local hospital.

But, onto that day’s topic… le patenti di guida. I will attempt to be brief…

there are 8 types of driver’s licenses in Italy: AM, A1, A2, A, B1, B, B-Code 96 and BE. A World’s Record, I had erroneously assumed. Checked on Google to find out how many the US and its 50 States might have, arrogantly thinking a definite max of 3… Car, Truck and Motorcycle. Nope. There are 7! Meanwhile, back at the Italian piazza, the versions here each has its own special qualifications as to age, vehicle type, adding their power and weight parameters. Take that 8, multiply it by at least 4 vehicle types and you get 32 things you must get into your thick skull for it to be a possible query on The Qwtz. Sloughing off that notion, I gainfully discovered… on page 151 of the 278 page Italian Driver’s Education. manual… that I am aiming for a Patente B. Can’t say how I feel about it. I’ll let you know…. after passing The Qwtz. If I am successful, here’s what I will be able to drive… so you’ll know and take precautions…

a car, a van or, a truck up to 3.5 tons and/or can carry 9 available persons. I will also be allowed to pull a trailer, legally manoeuvre industrial vehicles… maybe Babbo Natale will gift me a fork-lift for passing The Qwtz at Christmas, do you think?… cruise the byways & highways on a 2 wheeled motorcycle or, even a 3 wheeler, and, the crown on the list is the permission to move about the land in some sort of agricultural equipment, in any size, shape or weight, my heart could possibly desire. A tractor!

However, I am not quite ready to conquer the driving world here in Italy. Must study, study, study the manual and do Qwtzes, Qwtzes, Qwtzes. Only just started the Herculean Full-Immersion Pass The Driving Qwtz Campaign last Monday.

At the start, I was effortlessly committing from 6 to 8 errors on The Qwtzes. Once, I hit 11! Sent me into a funk. Called You to commiserate. Sought & studied the appropriate material, where I had lacked sufficient enlightenment, in the manual, alternating with taking more Qwtzes, Qwtzes, Qwtzes. By yesterday, Thursday, I hovered at 3 to 4 mistakes. Only 2 on one! The Official Qwtz Game is 3 or, less, to pass. With 4, you are bocciato-ed. Progress, no? So, imagine my days spent this week… I sit and sip caffe’, out on the loggia, in our Fall’s heat & humidity accompanied by marauding flies, stink-bugs and, occasionally, the Dogs begging to take a turn with me in the giarden. 50% of the errors are silly ones: mis-understanding the archaic Italian… catadiottri, adibiti, scansarsi, ininfluenti… mis-reading sketches with itzy-bitzy, teeny-weeny details… like a micro-sized Yield sign… on a question of precedence or, just plain skipping over an important word in what to me is the WRONG placement for it to have made any sense. Ooops. Onwards until I feel secure and proven I only make 3 or less errors. Wish me Luck?

Like that famous proclamation at the end of the aria from Turandot, Nessun Dorme… Vincero’! Vincero’!! Vincerooooo’!!!




A Plan…

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The 3:00PM Driver Education Class on a Tuesday, towards the end of an overly warm September. Lesson No. 17 for me… 8 more to go!

a sun-filled day senza una nuvola in evidenza. Bright Blue skies. Birds tweeting, and are ignorant of having their voices consigned to an X elsewhere. A warm breeze blowing off the Mediterranean Sea to sweep the Lower Lunigiana and on up the valley of the Torrente Taverone to the fair city of Fivizzano. Leaves rolling across vacant streets & piazzas. All is quiet and peaceful. Inside the Autoscuola Fivizzanese, students are seated ready & waiting for Baldo. I am in my usual chair, BIC and Black Moleskin notebook, entrambi prontissimi. We are unknowingly on the verge of learning Baldo has been side-swiped by disappointment in between last Thursday’s class and this Tuesday’s. It’s 3:04PM. We know the procedure. In walks Baldo…

1) What, no bounce?

2a) He sits down at his desk, removes his glasses and tosses them onto the desk, rubs his eyes…

and from that point on our Autoscuola class is not going to be like the others before.

2b) Baldo hangs his head low in depression. He goes back to rubbing his eyes. Glasses are picked up off the desk. He fiddles with them. To make a point? Baldo adds a few deep sighs, spies the clock… it has moved only 3 minutes ahead… and then, begins to tell us what are his woes…

of the 8 students Baldo accompanied the hour and a half to Massa last Friday…

and may I just say? It is a shitty little town, Massa. Has the traffic of a city. Piena zeppa with oneway streets & alleyways. Too many cars compound the inconvenience of getting around the place. You want to blow out as fast as you can. So, I have never set foot upon Massa’s principal piazza nor toured the minute Centro Storico. I do believe any charm Massa might have had… nestled against some lumpy low hills at the foot of the majestic Apuane Mountains… and we are talking about any vestige wiped away before the First World War. Confirmed extinct today. Replaced with a medley of ugly apartment blocks with balconies pieni zeppi with drying clothes & mops & bikes, scraggly trees along lumpy sidewalks and interspersed with McDonald’s, IERCOOP’s and mega multi-level shopping centri around the town’s urban margins. Massa is also the bureaucratic… administrative… HQ for the province we live in, la Provincia di Massa-Carrara. Makes part of the Regione di Toscana. Not the part that looks like an advertisement for planting cypresses on a road winding up a hill. Nope. Marble quarries…

Too bad the capital wasn’t put in Carrara. It wasn’t, probably, because…

A) that would be too convenient to allow us, Lunigianesi, to make a shorter drive from back-of-beyond to marginal Versilia in around an hour…

and B) above Carrara is a cove of Anarchists!!! At the foot of marble quarries galore.

Anarchism? Yes, a straggler political & cultural phenomenon which was A Trend on either side of the First World War. Another vestige reduced now to a fringe location in the hills. I have heard the remaining Anarchist contingent gets along well, are productive, peaceful citizens. Perhaps, we have been given an erroneous impression on Anarchism? Maybe. Concomitantly, the place, called Colonnata, is noted for a type of lardo… or, lard… which sends many people, proportionally a good many Italians… Dott. You included and enthusiastically so… into swirls of ecstasy bordering upon how I imagined what winning a ga-zillion €€€’s in a lottery must be like. But, it is edible! Lardo instructions? Why certainly… you take a piece of thick Black bread or, a slice of bread made from castagne… or, chestnuts, and is called La Marocca… either one lightly toasted, and then, you spread the lardo… as smooth as butter and just as creamy… and drip extra-vergine olio d’olivo on top., and there you go. Oh! Have a good Red or White wine on hand too. Please do not mention this to You, if you are in the vicinity. In Truth, I actually found il Lardo di Colonnata… it’s Official Title. Easy to trace… utterly delicious. The problem for me is: I put up such A Big Stink about even tasting il Lardo di Colonnata…

back to Mom, who feared, we kids would become ENORMOUS eating…. or, gobbling… the myriad culinary wonders out of my paternal grandmother’s South Carolina kitchen using lard… like her absolutely divine cornbread muffins… that I have never gotten over the maternal indoctrination and, unfortunately, it has cemented my reputation as rompipalle… or, a ball breaking annoyance. I eventually confessed to You, who replied… Oh! You don’t know what you are missing and goodie! More for me. A rough translation of his Italian.

Back to Baldo’s desolation…

ONLY 3 passed The Qwtz! Yes, a terrible bit of news. Baldo looked crestfallen… in the extreme. Said he had had high hopes with this latest crop degli allievi dell’Autoscuola Fivizzanese of resurrecting a poor record of Qwetz performance with too many bocciature… or, failures throughout the year’s Spring and Summer.

At one point, we heard the List of the Failures. One, was the singing Eppi Borfdai Boy and Class Clown, Cana, who was swatted down for maybe the third time. Gosh.

Baldo lent over his desk in our general direction, his glasses twirling slowly in his hands. He eyed us in silence. Then, he set about with sharing his newly formulated I-have-thought-about-it-and-this-is-what-I-have-come-up-with speech, adding: hear me and hear me good. I won’t lay out the details of the half-hour long sermon, however, I can shrink it down to two points, the gist of which are…

1) The Qwtz is not a joke. It’s hard. It’s serious. E’ un impegno grosso!… a big commitment! There’s a lot to learn and to memorise than with previous year’s Qwtzes. He said… I can help clarify any elements in class you are unsure about, it’s my job but, you guys have got to…

2) study, study, study, study, study. No two ways about it.

In reply to his caveat, I have devised A Plan…

On October 9th…

this coming Monday, and two days after my art show in Milan, iPadness, which I hope will be a stunning success. I feel I deserve it. Especially, in light of all my Time & Effort, those too of the IT technician and suppliers who lent a necessary hand, and without overlooking that the artwork is WONDERFUL. I can hardly believe they erupted out of my head and onto my iPad…

I will initiate A Herculean Full-Immersion Pass The Driving Qwtz Campaign.

1) I will endeavour to finish reading the darn AND dull Rules & Regulations of the Road manual produced by the Italian Ministry of Transport. A bureaucratic tome of 278 ******** pages. Even if it kills me or, sends me into a long post-study nap.

2) Now, if I have not mentioned this, and I don’t believe I have then, this might be the moment to reiterate The Sage Advice from many of those Friends & Family, who have conquered The Driving Qwtz in recent History. And, that is…

do as many of The Qwtzes as I possible can.

There are tons of authentic, real, true Qwtzes on several official Driving Qwtz websites on the Internet. Baldo sent me an app to the most official one.

If I can do 6 Qwtzes a day, and survive the quest without incinerating any of my brain cells or, falling comatose from boredom, additionally taking time to analyse my Errors, brush-up on any Rules to which I have made an Error, distilling the corrected info and continuing on, I will need a few weeks. The rest of the month of October, for sure. And, when I feel confident… A Winner!!!… and have knocked-off a series of Qwtzes with no more than 2 Errors, I will book the next Qwtz in Massa through Baldo. He gets to drive me there.

3) And, though I am still driving on an American NC Driver’s License which the Carabinieri think they have denuded me of… there are subtle legal questions: I am not illegal-illegal, only semi-illegal… I am forced to a) drive less and b) when driving, to stick to the back roads… I will buck up Little Buck-A-Roo, and regularly attend Baldo’s Driving School Classes in Fivizzano. A Morale Booster, if nothing else, and good for its sideline entertainment value since, Cana will back in class for his Attemp-To-Beat-The-Qwtz No. ???.

My Plan was presented and APPROVED by Baldo, as he smoked a cigarette in his office.

So, plan permitting… an Italian Driver’s License by Christmas or, bust!

Continuing Driving School Stories...

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Right after my 71st Birthday on the 7th of September, my Autoscuola Fivizzanese World changed. It flip-flopped. Happened on the 15th of the same month. I should’ve known. How long have I lived here in Italy? You don’t have to answer. I certainly ought to have acted like an Italian, even a semi-Italian one…

When the New Year’s calendars come out towards the end of November or, during the month of December as Christmas gifts, Italians race through them to check where the important dates fall for the coming New Year. Seeking confirmation of any long weekends ahead with a well placed holiday on a Thursday or, a Tuesday. Option B would be to have them fall on a Friday or, a Monday. Here’s the list: not in much order but, you’ll get the gist. Please, read on…

naturally, we have the festive religious holiday of Christmas on the 25th of December; Easter is anywhere within the arch of March-April. Who knows? Da’ Moon do. A fickle holiday. Crappy weather usually but, artichokes are in season. Yippee!; the 31st of December brings us to that horrendous amateur night of Il Capodanno… New Year’s Eve. Even Codiponte goes wild with fireworks at Midnight and after interminable dinners. I have videos to prove both; Epiphany falls on the 6th of January and is a boon to any witches wanting employment by carrying hemp sacks full of treats for The Good and pieces of coal for The Bad. They’re heavy. I have a hunch the coal is supposed to be heavier but, I suspect otherwise. Anyway, I think La Befana… or, witch… is a scary personality. Ugly too. Bad teeth. We make someone dress-up in a cute though heavy Red felt outfit with a hot, itchy White beard attached to the face of the substitute Santa Klaus. The Italians make some female relative dress-up in a Black dress with blackened teeth, scuff-marks on her face and noisy clogs on her feet… with the hemp sack dragged close behind. You can choose which to have come to your Front Door; the 25th of April is Liberation Day… from the Nazi’s. From themselves is never in question; quickly follows the Commie Holiday, May Day, on the 1st of May. Red is the predominant colour for demonstrators crowding piazza’s to hear inspiring speeches about labour. Invigorating; June 2nd is the holiday to commemorate the founding of the NEW! NEW!! NEW!!! Italian Republic… after the previously mentioned Referendum of 1946. Am unsure just how many re-foundings Italy has had to suffer, since its first birthing back in 1861. The number of governments from 1946 is dizzying and does not lend an air of certainty to the country’s political History; the last three holidays can make for a really long holiday weekend… about every 10 years. Just this year, in fact, You was in Codiponte for an astounding 11 days of vacation, thanks to the distribution of April 25th, May Day, and June 2nd on the 2023 calendar; Assumption, on the 15th of August, is The Summer Holiday of Italy… a clarion call… TO THE BEACH, RAGAZZI!!!… when, actually, it is a religious holiday. Yes, to celebrate The Virgin Mary’s safe arrival in Heaven, greeted by a number of Very Important Persons waiting at its gates… God at the head of the reception line… and one terribly beaten-up son, poor man, and now god too; All Saints Day, on November 1st, which is paired with the Day of the Dead on the day after, when Italians, en masse, hit their local cemeteries in their FIATS to spiff-up the tombs and lay wreaths & vases of flowers for those dearly departed; and finally, the dates & days of the week for the closing of schools in June… usually on the 12th, and even if it falls on a Monday, and their re-opening… normally on the 15th of September. Ecco. And here we are!

I did not consult a calendar. I don’t own one. So, I was caught off-guard with Baldo’s Public Announcement of NO CLASSES at the 10:00AM hour, because of the start of the New Academic School Year. Ugh.

From that moment on, Autoscuola classes would only be at 3:00PM and 5:00PM. Disorientating! Distressing!! Dangerous!!! Oh, not so much for the class at 3:00PM. Who’s out at that hour anyway except Scandinavians and some wayward group of English persons, drunk after a cheap lunch? And around 3:00PM is about the time most Italian folk slowly realise they have to head back to work after la loro pausa pranzo... their lunch break… at home. But the 5:00PM is when the Carabinieri rustle themselves from a nap after a 4 course pranzo nella caserma or, for the younger agents, the gym, to start again their daily routines of patrols, road blocks, and cruising the surrounding land, keeping Italy safe, in their JEEPS. A FIAT product well supported by the Italian Civil Protection forces, I might add. Well, the Guardia di Finanza drive military Green FIAT Pandas. A lesser governmental agency. Thank God, the Carabinieri JEEPS are painted in a their signature Blue and have Red lights on the roofs. Easily identified from a distance. There are so many JEEPS on the roads these days. The Italian People are big supporters of FIAT products too.

Last week was especially perilous for your Hero… io! No classes at the 3 o’clock hour. Baldo had to escort several 18 year olds, candidates to take The Qwtz, to Massa. Not at all a convenient location for us residing in the Lunigiana. An hour and a half in a car going and an hour and a half coming back. Possibly grim in either direction. Or, grim going and elation coming back. About the same amount of time as to fly to Paris from Pisa’s airport. So, class was only at 5:00PM. Wonderful. I ran into two separate JEEP patrols keeping a watch… for guess who? I feared… and on the multiple back-of-beyond roads I must traverse to reach Fivizzano safe & sound.  I did, thanks to seeing the Carabinieri first and a couple of fortuitous sides streets I could scoot down to avoid detection until a Safe Harbour of a parking space was found far away from circulating officers.

An additional note…

The corner bar is less interesting a spot at 2:45PM. A) no one is around. Maybe leaves tumbling in the breeze but, that’s about it; B) the afternoon sun shines directly into its Black & White tiled inner sanctum. I go anyway. C) No cute gals or Bar-guy. I am not that sad. Their Pink & Yellow-nesses are elsewhere. They can have a life. There are others I can flirt with. D) and this is on the plus side, there’s instead a buff-looking motorcycle fellow as The Bar Man during the afternoon & evenings until 8:00PM, at least. Formidable bicycle-bar moustache. Twirled ends. Bravo, man! Oddly though, his gentle manner is similar to a moderator of a kid’s cartoon show. Could be weird.

Other comments on driving class…

I have noticed Baldo sits more during the afternoon sessions. He has the weirdest executive chair. I forgot to mention it, in conjunction with the brief description of his desk… post-apocalyptic Vintage. I apologise. Baldo’s swivel chair smacks of theft, from the Klingons. Outer-space junk dealers? Doesn’t he know about them? Mean mamma-jammas. Risky. Very. Extremely so. They NEVER forget a slight. Just ask Captain Kirk. The recliner… or, rocker… which is in stark contrast to the desk under the cultural heading of Style… has a high back with strangely placed and lateral triangular holes… pass-throughs for cigarettes?… faced in a dead Red faux leather. The rest is in an equally dead greenish-Grey faux leather. Oh, hark! Excellent News though: Baldo can still bounce completely seated. Praise the Lord! Otherwise, I might fall asleep from Rules & Regulations of the Road lecture fatigue, if it were not for the chair’s bungees squeaking.

And, shocks of all shocks to date, Baldo has taken to wearing long panted jeans. Well, of course. The heat of Summer has been sent back to Africa… and God Bless!!!.. and has been replaced by the pleasant and much cooler temps of pre-Fall. Baldo looks less bouncy in them, however. He must have several pairs too. Sports a variety of ripped and torn ones. A few have appliques! And, he does tend towards the faded Blue cotton jean over the more sober Dark Blue. Do any of you know from where jeans originally hail from? I do and I am not telling. In the past, no one believed me or, bothered to listen to my rendition of the History of Jeans, which I still find fascinating. I stopped. Tough. You’ll have to Google it.

As for Baldo’s lectures…

I have detected a general procedure, now that I have trudged through about 12 or so lessons. Sadly, there are many more to go. The lecture’s structure reminds me a bit of the songs from Italy’s San Remo Song Festival held every year in the middle of February. A week long event.

I’ve done my time watching this event. Years & years of trying. It’s a marathon, requiring two elements essential to Italy… one is A Christian Virtue: great amounts of Patience… and there you have it; and the other is even larger quantities of physical &. mental Fortitude. That could be a plural. The show starts at 9:15PM… after the News on RAI3 and innumerable ads for tomato sauce, toothpaste, feminine hygiene, and that kind of stuff… and it rolls along until and often past 1:00AM in the morning. And on School Nights too!!! I’ve given up. Lack the stamina to be attentive to an exercise involving repetitive and ill-conceived songs performed by famous and not so famous Italian singers got to be too much. There is TEMPTATION: the thrill to see what the singers & musicians wear for their performances, interviews and parades. A glorious confirmation of the Italian bravura for fashion, bar none. Well, may be the French… mais ils sont tellement pleins d’eux-memes. The majority of the songs try to remain within the formula discovered from previous year’s winners of the Festival, and yet, escape them too. All start out quietly yet by the end, the singers are often bellowing until they drift off as the heavily-miked orchestra ceases to make a noise. They bow and leave the stage.. Next? Let’s review Baldo’s rendition… hope it’s not going to be repetitive…

1) he bounces in & out of the classroom, not uttering a word, turning lights & things on, surveying the surroundings, the students, sniffing the air for the receptivity to Driver Education.

2) He then sits down, counts heads, takes off his glasses, rubs his eyes, demonstrates a static position in his recliner. Meditating?

3) Baldo starts. Quietly, calmly, steadily. His voice throaty from constant cigarettes, eyeing his audience directly as he speaks. He explains what’s in store for our hour and a half lecture: the why’s, the how much’s, the when’s, etc. He builds authority with his stream of softly cadenced words. I feel Baldo’s ambition is to engage us so thoroughly to a particularity of the Rules & Regulations of the Road that he will gain entrance to some recess of our cerebral cortex without either a fight or, our falling into abject boredom with the necessary info. Ecco! Baldo proposes Le Distanze di Sicurrezze… or, the Driving Safety Distances. A meaty subject. Requires graphs & pictograms, sketched out on The Big White Drawing Board for our kind edification. Baldo continues. His voice gains power. For instance, it is important for us to understand how many meters you need in order to stop your car before it slams into and totally flattens the proceeding FIAT with an elderly couple heading to the supermercato on an autostrada, and when both automobiles are travelling at the same 90 k/hr. Hold on! Come to think of it, I maybe wrong here: I am not sure the elderly’s FIATs can break even 80 k/hr. Theirs is probably an old FIAT Panda 4x4 too. Has difficulty just starting in the morning. Maybe we are on una strada extra-urbane secondaria… a secondary road in the Italian countryside. Yeah, that’s it!

4) Anyway, Baldo explains…

Le Distanze di Sicurrezza has 3 vital components: 1) lo Spazio Reazione or, S.R… the time which eats the distance while reacting, ie taking your foot and putting it to the brake pedal of your vehicle… ASAP; added to 2) lo Spazio Frenatura or, S.F… the time it takes the brakes of your automobile to do their God-intended Job, ie STOP THE CAR… in the remaining distance to avoid vehicular catastrophe; equals the summary of 3) La Distanza Totale di Arresto or, D.T.A… the proverbial & cumulative figure when combining the two previous acronyms into one silly sounding one. Hopefully, knowing these actions will actually save everyone’s Life. What’s missing… in my view, and I believe it might be a more crucial component, is: il Tempo di Calcolare Molto Bene la D.T.A… or, T.C.M.B.D.T.A. Let us also not overlook il Quoziente di Stress or, Q.S… necessary for you to concentrate on calculating the above distance stuff whilst your car speeds a pace to send that FIAT into an alternative Time-Space Continuum. But neither are elaborated by Baldo. Guess it’s the moment to move on…

All the acronyms, pictographs and tables described by Baldo are a verbal & graphic distillation of a situation… just one of about a ga-zillion in the 278 page Rules & Regulations of the Road manual presented to us during the course of our Driving School education… to convey The Essential Tidbit, which we, as students, must take home and bury in a convenient location for future reference, ie for when we sit down to take the Qwtz.

The Math in the above example provokes a queasy stomach. I usually don’t eat breakfast so, my juices, subjected to the above explanations, were anxiously looking for something other than my stomach lining to feed on. Was that too graphic? Sorry. I also feel psychologically upset. Weak. I HATE MATH! Had the same reaction in the Third Grade. I may be safe in stating that I doubt anyone else in the classroom noticed my Paler than Pale countenance. Feeling their own unsettling sensations, I would imagine. Maybe not. They’re 18 year olds. Made of heartier stuff… I hope…

5) Baldo proceeds apace and with a new senses of urgency. He says there are deeper intricacies to Our Topic of the Day. What? More to memorise? Jesus! It’s not all as it seems, Baldo adds. I want to know where are the appropriate street signs? Wouldn’t that be useful? What’s another 10 or 20 when there are already 1,000? Baldo continues. We are now an audience to a more impassioned performance. His voice has a tinge of importance, of seriousness, perhaps, even of alarm. Gird our loins? The switch is somewhat akin to accidentally missing your turn and then you find that you are not in Kansas any longer. The tenor of Baldo’s voice develops a certain and higher altitude of coloratura, comes into a more definite resonance… HE’S LOUDER!!!!… embarking upon a sort of a mental deep muscle tissue massage… by the way, do those hurt?… to communicate to us, his students, the new elements necessary for fully understanding Le Distanze di Sicurezza. However, it is evident that he’s no longer on that strada! I sense Baldo has chucked the lecture aside. Maybe into la Corsia di Soccorso? He commences to interrogate us with questions sulle Distanze di Sicurrezze and taken directly from The Qwtz. Heaven help us! Each question is launched to a different student. Oh, Lord, no! Baldo bounds over to the Big White Drawing Board, scribbles a quick pic, and then, turns to ask some unlucky kid… or me!!!… what is the correct answer to the situation drawn? Students fall by the wayside with WRONG answers. Help, please! Each failure brings him ever closer to me. I attempt to look small and hide behind the girl’s locks in the chair between me and Baldo at his desk. No easy feat. I want to be prepared… for any eventuality, yet, I can barely keep up with translating Italian driving terms unknown to me, copying a quick-pic to figure it out and, contemporarily, stem the desire to pass-out. Throwing-up is not a viable option though there’s that too. Suddenly, Baldo veers off. Ceases his inquiry with the girl in front of me. I’M SAVED!!! Bless her. I will go and light a candle in the nearest church for her. I swear. She had answered correctly the Qwtz Qwesteeeon and that, apparently, stemmed any further interest Baldo had in interrogating the class. Now what?

6) Baldo’s voice drops. Precipitously. Cool, determined, distinct. Sweat beads upon his brow. His long jeans go limp… limper… limpest. Fatigue? Where’s Baldo going, I wonder? Well, he sits down for one thing. Takes his glasses off, rubs his eyes, bounces a bit in his rocker, breathes, looks up at the clock on the wall opposite. I hit my iPhone to check the time too. Says we are nearly at the end of class. I breath an enormous sigh of relief… that’s E.S.F. Then, slowly, Baldo raises his head and says… If you are going to remember one thing about Le Distanze di Sicurrezze, then, for the love of God, remember this…

and he then summarily throws out the S.R, the S.F. = D.T.A which I understood but hated to calculate and gives us…

another ACRONYM!!! In my shock… and mental exhaustion, fear, other… I miss it. I MISSED IT!!! G.D.M.F.S.O.B.!!!

Gosh, that felt good.

Now that I am at home, in the quiet, safety and tranquility of my home… our charming Tuscan farm-house currently in need of minor repairs after 14 years… sipping a very chilly White wine from the Versilia region of Italy, I cannot consciously supply you with deciphering my just furnished acronym written above. It’s translation is heavy, vulgar, terribly impolite. Oh, Hell! Let's throw in rude too. Learning what it means may cause you to think ill of me. I do not want that. I can say, sadly, it was written with Vengeance in My Heart. I’m a Southerner and our hearts are built that way. It’s what caused a Civil War. However, and with all due certainty, I can tell you, as a Helpful Hint, it happens to contain most of the popular American swear words and when spoken… in vengeance, spite, irritability, other… it rolls real nice & easy off the tongue. A very good American friend taught it to me years ago … when I had trespassed beyond what she considered to be Good Gentlemanly Behaviour, and it has remained with me ever since. Please accept my sincerest apologies.

So, like those crazed scientists seeking at all costs… in the billion-trillions $$$s category at several prestigious locations of Higher Learning in the Good Ol’ United States of America and elsewhere throughout the World, who have sought a singular, all-mighty packed formula to explain everything. That may have to be written as EVERYTHING… so too does this happen with the Rules & Regulations of the Road at the Autoscuola Fivizzanese. And I missed it. Damn-it.

Now, if you will excuse me, I want to get on sipping my chilly White wine. What did Scarlet say? Tomorrow’s another day! Sure is… I hope…







Eppi Borfdai To Iu!!!

in , ,

A Baldo Birthday…

You & I hosted a party last year for my 70th Birthday. Seemed an important event to celebrate. We had hopes to duplicate the grand success of my 60th, coupled, as it were, with inaugurating our renovated Tuscan farm-house, il Poggiolo a Codiponte. Many had heard the stories of its four year resurrection yet, few had seen the results. So, invitations were sent, house all set & ready to go, we arranged mountains of food, tubs full of Prosecco & wines & beer in melting ice and a cute team of a singer & keyboardist to entertain our 200 guests wanting to bob up & down out on our aia… a farm-yard… until 4:00AM in the morning! Last year’s was less raucous. More sedate. We were older. Still, the 50 guests had a great time… or, so they confirmed… eating, drinking and dancing until past Midnight to the sounds of a middle-aged DJ playing 80’s dance music. Yep: Queen, ABBA, Elton John. All was cleaned-up and sent to bed by 2:30AM.

The question this year was… What in the Hell do you do for a 71st? September 7th fell on a Thursday. I thought to let the day come and go. No bother. No muss. No fuss. Such an innocuous number, 71. An inconsequential age. Let’s shove on for when I have accumulated more years. How about at 75? You would be up in Genoa, doctoring. I would be down in Codiponte with the Dogs. In  the meantime, I began to obsess in wishing more the date would slip by unnoticed. Not so for others. The Family & Friends Group. Whatsapp, telephone calls, emails… all the social media abuzz with questions on how I was going to celebrate my birthday? My short answer was: Autoscuola at 10:00AM. You called me. The last to chime-in. He never seems to remember my obligatory appointments every Tuesday and Thursday for Driving Theory Class…

Oh? On Thursday? Driving School? Davvero? Che minaccia. But, it will be your birthday!!!  Take cake and Prosecco to Driving Class!!! 

You! They are 18 year olds. 

So?

They don’t drink and if they do, which they shouldn’t then, not at 10:00AM in the morning.

They won’t care. They’ll love it. You’re an American. You should celebrate it with people. Do it!

Really?

Do it! 

I don’t know…

So are you?

OK, all right, yes, I’ll do it. May I go now?

You hung up. Hate it when he beats me to it.

As luck… or Destiny, if you are acclimatised American living in Italy… would have it, there’s a wonderful fornaio… a baker…  right across the street from Autoscuola Fivizzanese. Makes a phenomenal chocolate cake dusted with powdered sugar upon request, like a brownie yet yummier for a thick-shot of chocolate. AND, there’s a Carrefour around the corner for the Prosecco. By the way, it is the most expensive grocery store in a 100 kilometre radius. BEWARE!

My mental wheels began to spin. Paper cups? Napkins? Knife and cake server?  A big deal. Guess I ought to ask Baldo if I might hijack the class for 10 to 15 minutes per festeggiare il mio settantunessimo compleanno. I sent Baldo a Whatsapp. In a matter of micro-seconds I got the Italian equivalent of a… Hell, yes!!! He added… another equivalent: Don’t worry about a thing.

Oh, dear.

I was bit nervous anyway. These kids don’t know me. Why would they? I’m a foreigner. An American one. I am 53 years older. I take notes. I ask questions of our Team Leader, Baldo. By some mystery, unknown to me and my nerves, I reply to his queries with the correct replies. I’m different. I have their individual weights just in my body fat. They seem weary of me. A Generational Gap? A Generational Chasm. A Gulf. The little party would be humiliating. I sought comfort. I called You, il provocatore of this imminent disaster. He didn’t ******* pick up!!! Damn. Now, I know it’s going to be mortifying. I turned to a trusty White wine chilled in our German refrigerator. Made in Naples too. The refrigerator. 

On The Anointed Day, I arrived for class with all the necessary utensils & cups, and things carried in a decorator bag I had stolen from You’s extensive pile for such things, the freshly dusted chocolate cake, and a chilled bottle of Prosecco which, I had bought the day before at a discount grocery store nearer to home. Fine brand. About €7 cheaper than at the Carrefour in Fivizzano. A Franciacorta. Non e’ male.

What’s this? A table cloth? Flowers?? Music playing??? I know this tune. 

No Baldo. Not a soul. An empty room. At 09:49:37AM. I quickly laid out what I had brought and sat down to look unassuming by playing with my iPhone. A convenient ploy. Kids straggled in sporadically. Heard several ask… the air or, anyone caring to listen?… What’s this? We’re having a party? Who’s got a birthday? I’d look up, give a nod of not being aware of anything amiss and returned to my iPhone.

By 09:58:13AM, the class… 15 on this particular birthday morning… had taken their seats to await further developments.

At 09:59;59AM, in bounced Baldo. He had his Public Announcer’s voice…

Attenzione tutti… per favore. We have a special occasion this morning. Our fellow student, Forrest, is 71 today and we have arranged a little something to help him celebrate. If you’d please, Cana? Come on up…

It was 10:02:00AM…

Cana is short from his last name. He is the Driving Class Clown. The Teacher’s Pet. Those two’s repartees are a great Qwtz stress reliever. The Autoscuola’s Floor Show. I’ve known Cana… Tommi, to me… since he was 4 years old kicking a soccer ball with his Dad out on the little street in front of their house in Codiponte. He’s a funny looking kid: short, stocky of build yet, with muscular legs… he is passionatissimo di calcio and plays for a local amateur team… has an explosion of curly hair up front and bush-whacked sides and is equipped with a mouthful of bright White teeth, shinning when he cracks a smile which, is quite often. Kidding from Baldo. I think he is rather an amazing individual… soon to be more so: unlike others in his age group, Cana is not afraid of people: adulti, ragazzi e ragazze, bambini, anziani, stranieri!!! Once, I caught a train for Milan and found myself unexpectedly sharing a berth with him and his Mom. Cana worked the carriage for nearly 3 hours talking sports, soccer, games, and more soccer, and with anyone willing to banter with him. He was only 8 years old.

Come on, Cana! Come on up and demonstrate you singing voice for Forrest…

Baldo flipped a switch and a kind of rock-a-billy version of Happy Birthday music started. Cana looked a Baldo, Baldo look at him and nodded. Cana started to groggily sing…

Stunned by the end of his performance, Cana shuffled back to his seat to resounding applause. I furnished the whoops.

Cake & Prosecco were served. I had just enough cups and napkins, cake & bubbly to go around.

Not a bad start for a 71st Birthday. Thank you, Baldo! Thank you, Tommi!! Thank you, classmates!!!

Driving Class got underway at 10:31:02AM.

Nabbed... an instruction manual

in

I was nabbed by the Carabinieri. 

The Dogs were with me. 

It was a bright, sunny and oddly mild morning in late July. I was on my way to the hospital in Fivizzano to pick up my blood work results from the previous week. I am at the age now when I am often at the hospital in Fivizzano for one thing or another. All the Staff knows me. Many come from or, live in the village of Codiponte where I call home too… with the Dogs, and You-know-who on the weekends. I am, despite my earnest efforts to work on my accent speaking Italian… alter, might be a good verb here… glaringly American. Crowds automatically accumulate around me. The Italians are fascinated by us Americans. What’s not to like? Well, perhaps A Bad Question these days. Or, I suspect the Italians are afraid of missing something imported from America or, yet unheard of and possibly useful from the same source. Courting me might give them the jump on their fellow citizens. Chissa? There are also rumours circulating I am related to Britney Spears, poor twisted thing. I wonder who spread that? The Carabinieri based Casola in Lunigiana, Codiponte’s administrative Mother… a mini-capital… often drool and certainly touch pack to ask how Breeetneeey is and will she ever come to Italy? Couldn’t say, boys. Not any time soon. She’s busy with her divorce. You might like the video on YouTube. Involves lingerie. Apparently, the two man squadron of Carabinieri… from Fivizzano… who flagged me down with la paletta rossa at an intersection of an innocuous side street just before the big curvy bridge, had not been informed of my supposed illustrious connection. Little shared communications between Le Forze della Protezione Civile? Seems so.

I was a lone duck.

Before I go on, let me mention a few pertinent aspects, which may serve in reading this blog post…

1) Any encounter with Authority in Italy is always… ALWAYS catastrophic. The Good News is there are degrees of catastrophe. Did you know this? I didn’t when I first came to live in Italy almost 40 years ago. Regardless of the degree of disaster, it’s best to: a) GO WITH THE FLOW; b) DO NOT CONTEST ANYTHING; and c) DIVULGE AS LITTLE INFORMATION AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN!!! These procedures are far & wide easier for the Italians to manage than for an American encumbered with two Weimaraners or, other foreign persons about… with or without accompanying animals, boy-friends, other. Starts in pre-school, to be terrorised by interrogations conducted by la maestra, who’s interested in hearing only The Right Answer. Continues on until the little tykes grow up to a full height adult Italian… males generally at 6’ (182cm) and females around 5’4”(164cm). No more totally squat Italian people… as they attempt to extricate themselves of years & years attending university. Bad enough high school… or, liceo… lasts 5 interminable years. Each generation of Italians are thus well versed in staying mum.

I might add...  

a sociopathic sideline to the above is, a sort of Italian Mental Reasoning, if you will: a) you may not personally know the person interrogating you, etc.; b) you can only hypothesise what he/she/it will do with the info you have mistakenly blurted out; and c) as a consequence, your life may suddenly be forced to make a hard left turn. All can be conveniently condensed into the following Universal Italian Declaration… YOU CAN’T TRUST ANYONE BUT FAMILY. Take note.

There will be further ones shortly. Be patient… A Virtue. Hang on… another yet, Lesser Virtue because, it requires physical & emotional skills not often available. And, be alert. End of the Virtues.

I stopped my 14 year old Petroleum Blue Hyundai Galloper SUV as instructed.

The Dogs went ape-shit. 

I have been working on this unfortunate canine behaviour through the auspices of a Dog Trainer, a Dog Whisperer, thanks to YouTube… un sussurratore di cani… since suspended from my service. The cause? 40+C degree heat raging in my adopted land. Would it make any difference if I were to write 40C = 104F? Appointments were scheduled at 7AM, in the frigging morning. Only time temps were tolerable. Bright, sunny and oddly mild days of late June were sideswiped by successive African Heat Waves and given names of Greek mythical characters. That combo’s a mystery, I know. What was that fellow’s name who carried dead folk across the River Styx?  For instance. The necessitated early hour meant I had to arise at 5AM, give or take some, in order to have time to resurrect Body & Spirit with several cups of Intenso Caffe N.8, and to elevate those of the Dogs with an early breakfast of croquettes & canned dog-food. Yum-yum. They were more than delighted. Afterwards they usually run into the garden for a few minutes to attend to their bio-needs followed by retireing to their respective sofas for a rest. Enormous surprise on Wednesdays & Fridays for my dear Creatures around 6AM… Let’s go! That’s the official statement. 

Would you like to know the unofficial? I am happy to tell. You-know-who is totally ignorant. Mum’s the word…

I got fed up being told I was doing it/all/everything WRONG. And as the pendulum swings, practically nil right. The Whisperer’s admonitions espoused while I was being instructed to do silly little exercises involving doggie biscuits, such as, tossing them onto the scrubby turf of a bug-infested field abutting an autostrada became too much. All of it. There’s more…

The Trainer’s body-language and tense tone of voice conveyed a creeping sense he thought I was a total idiot and completely inept at handling a dog, much less two. His instruction was conducted with one-dog-at-a-time. Maybe for convenience sake… his, certainly not mine… since, my life is attached to two-dogs-at-a-time. I fantasised suggesting a meeting in Downtown Metropolitan Sarzana, a hip Italian town, so I could hand him the leashes of my two Dogs and see him try to trot around the main piazza tossing doggie biscuits hither & yon. To inspire and educate? No, to bait and control, more like. 

The Dogs and I are now adjourned indefinitely in the interior cool of Il Poggiolo as heat-wave after heatwave sear steadily, continually… outside. 

Inside the cool & dark… it’s manual air-conditioning, it works wonderfully and it costs nothing, folks!… I discovered an Italian woman… un sussurratrice di cani. Fountains of curly hair on top of an anorak and a dog on leash… via Instagram. I bought her program. What SOLD me? 1) She spoke only of what to do, not the myriad of what-not-to-do’s; and, the basis of her Dog Training Philosophy to successfully change the behaviour of an errant dog/s comes is to do it in small doses. Start with leash work in a protected area and slowly graduate to ever larger spaces until, when enough progress has been shown… mostly to understand why my pockets are packed with doggie biscuits… and go out into the great big world outside. Simple.  We’re working on it.

However, the woman loves to talk. Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk. What Italian doesn’t? The Italian language was designed for conversation, though it initially was built as a written one. Dante. But I don’t have all day. Nor the inclination for 24/7. Emails arrive every day. With videos. Offers to upgrade or buy dog stuff. I may bag it and resort to white wine and leisurely strolls with the Dogs in il Poggiolo’s 25,000 square feet of garden. Dogs are thrilled when they hear me call… Let’s go into the giarden. 

And before I forget… these Dog Whisperers must be in the pockets of the doggie biscuit manufacturers, liberally dispensing their edible products anywhere and as often as possible. 

Meanwhile, the Carabinieri hosting me at the intersection which I now fear to tread near illegally…

The Dogs elected to watch once they got it I wasn’t going anywhere else soon.

I had to ask permission to get out of my SUV. It was given and, immediately, I was on a one-to-one with the older of the two Agents in Service. The Carabinieri Command are rigorous in maintaining a buddy system, usually pairing a more mature Agent… squeezed into his Dark Blue britches & Black boots & short sleeve Blue cotton shirt decked with various patches… with another and much younger gay porno gorgeous hunk Agent… who’s also squeezed into his Dark Blue britches & Black boots & short sleeve Blue cotton shirt decked with various patches… but, Bless The Lord… fills the uniform out splendidly. Italian men. Nice legs. Soccer.  Beautiful skin. Olive oil.

At this point now, we must proceed with the real meat-ball & spaghetti of being stopped by the Carabinieri at a un posto di blocco. However, a couple of informational pointers…

A) Extreme politeness is essential. Italian Formal Form. Lei. The Carabinieri do not want you, nor do you want them to be your best buddy. Si, signori… No, signori. Stop. Good Luck with their English… Mayee eyee hav yeur documentz, pleeez?

B) There are no discussions. Etched in marble,  this one.

C) The Conducting Agent asks the questions, you reply.  Do not dally.

And the first question was to convey into the hands of the more mature Conducting Agent the car’s documents and mine. BEWARE: you may never see these ever again. This applied to my State of North Carolina Driver’s License. Confiscated. I got a receipt. Lucky me. The confiscation was probably supposed to be a catastrophic act on the Agent’s part. Hardly. Once back home, I got on my laptop, surfed to the NC Driver’s License website… Department of Motor Vehicles, actually… and promptly ordered a replacement. I had stated Stolen… in Italy. 10 days later, the new license showed up at the local & scuzzy bar of Codiponte… Le Poste Italiane are furiously reluctant to deliver mail to my address. It’s easy to get to. The mostly female couriers make a pit stop at the bar, dumped the mail, down a caffe and hit the road back to HQ… and this after my dear & aged Mother had dutifully driven to the local US Post Office to mail the darn thing … to Italy.

You may know this… the Italians have a genius gesture to celebrate a victory of this sort and is far more demonstrative than that vulgar English single-finger thing. While musing upon the laptop’s screen of… 

Your North Carolina Driver’s License has been successfully ordered. It will arrive in a few days. Thank you for visiting the North Carolina Department of Motor Vehicles website. Have a blessed day.

What?

I instinctively raised my right arm and simultaneously crooked it in the general direction of Fivizzano and slapped my left hand into the right arm’s bend. BAM!!! Message sent. Fat lot it will do me though. I am still illegal. Cannot drive legally in Italy anymore with a North Carolina Driver’s License. Fine. Feels good anyway. I’ll live dangerously. You have to as a foreign resident… in Italy. I hope & pray to the Mother Virgin Mary I won’t get stopped at another Carabinieri road block.

The car’s docs come in a dog-eared and sun-bleached green plastic pouch… must be the age and not the sun… full of every insurance receipt from the car’s birth, ditto for the tag’s renewal and the vehicle’s matriculation booklet and a stained instruction manual visually hinting it has never, ever been look at.  I certainly haven’t.

The more mature Conducting Agent seemed satisfied and returned to the open hatch of his FIAT/JEEP patrol car where the gay porno gorgeous hunk Agent was busy fooling with stuff. Paper. Booklets. Tablets. 

The real fun was underway, yet, it must be confirmed…

D) All Italians love documents. The fancier the better. Functionaries of the Italian State in particular, ie Carabinieri, judges, toll-booth jockeys. Must drive them wild these new-fangled plastic credit card sized driver’s licenses, health cards and Permessi di Soggiorno… a residency permit. 

Like a game show, I waited the results of the investigation into my documents. This is THE REAL GAME OF ITALY. The objective is to see if what one doc says, balances out with the info of the others. Didn’t take long to know…

I had been caught.

I was driving a legally registered car in Italy. Tag and tax and insurance, all up to date. Good boy. However, punching into their tablets my full name, the agents discovered my Permesso di Soggiorno was unlimited and issued many, many years ago. Doing the Math with the help of a Carabinieri HELP manual, The Regulation said I should have already been driving around Italy with an Italian Driver’s License. I wasn’t. Ah, hah!!!

The more mature Conducting Agent strolled over to where I was standing attempting to maintain my Weimaraner’s cool demeanour. He assumed his VOICE OF AUTHORITY. 

We have ascertained that YOU HAVE DONE WRONG. You are in conflict with Italian Law.

Why have you been driving without an Italian Driver’s License? THE LAW SAYS YOU MUST HAVE AN ITALIAN DRIVER’S LICENSE BY THE END OF THE FIRST YEAR OF YOUR RESIDENCY.

I feigned ignorance. Lame I know but, you must remember…better to be brief.

I have to stop here. I will be brief. In Italy… the responsibility to know stuff… any stuff… all stuff, no matter legal, cultural, Catholic, and even perhaps what a Kardashian wore to Wembley… is YOUR TOTAL RESPONSIBILITY. The Italian State will try to do its best but, it’s a lot of stuff. Are we to take pity on them? Anyway, the onus is on YOU. Another note.

So, now forward again… this part of the adventure brings us to a crucial legal point which separates us Anglo-Saxons, British Empire, American Declaration of Independence, etc. from the Italian State which, for thousands of years, has been repeatedly pillaged and raped and conquered by successive foreign groups, from marauding Huns to one of the most influential and equally devastating, Napoleon. His Little Italian Adventure in the early 1800’s brought a new notion of Law to the Italian peninsula. Basically, Nappy wanted to subject the Italian Peoples with his NEW! NEW!! NEW!!! AND MODERN TOO!!!! Code of Law… the Napoleonic Code. Yippee? What a meglomaniac. His self-named Code is in two parts… as I have understood it: 

1) Every Italian law, thanks again to Napoleon, is minutely written to include any AND all possibilities of infraction, so there is NO QUESTION that when you are declared guilty by un giudice, you are. This fits well with the Italian’s instinctive fear of being fregati… ripped off, tricked, the shame of fraud, etc. But then, and since we are talking about Italians, they read all the fine print,… one of the few peoples in the world to do so… seeking any void in the ponderous laws, which would let them get away with murder and/or, infractions of the road.

2) However, and I probably should have put this as Numero 1…  YOU ARE GUILTY UNTIL YOU PROVE YOURSELF INNOCENT. Please note: YOU must prove YOURSELF innocent. Good Luck. Again, the Italian State stacks the cards against it own citizens. And, Americans can sue their government. Italians cannot.

All of the above is illogical to me. Maybe to many of you too. The obvious… to me and any other Anglo-Saxons about… ridiculousness of this point-of-view irritates. It’s not fair. And, furthermore, it creates a shitload of problems because, any accusation has the weight of condemnation. How about that?

Wheres… WHEREAS Anglo-Saxon Law is based on precedence. Our laws can often be pretty darn specific…. purposes of graft, probably, to protect those illustrious creeps over in the United States Congress… but, for instance, Thou shall not commit murder can be replied with… It depends… and there you are. Can be a mess though. Enough.

Suming-up... no way getting around it. I was nailed. 

The next 20 minutes of my ever shortening life was spent nodding to the dictates from the VOICE OF AUTHORITY. He had soften up a bit once he knew he had me. OK. And, I actually did not find this encounter unpleasant since…

I was lucky. The two Agents could have arrested me and socked me with up to a €30,000 fine. I got one for €100. I paid it immediately to get a discount. Nice, no?

I was amused the two Agents had to study the Carabinieri Self-help Manual… both the paper and tablet ones. Thought it rather endearing. I mean, what Italian can really fathom the country’s interminable Rules & Regulations AND its legalese? Another blog post perhaps. 

And, the two Agents were polite to me. I was calm, polite and well behaved too.  We found ground to put up with each other. Plus, I was impeccably dressed with really cool Premiata trainers never seen before by either Agent. Of course, I had bought them in the same place as my Driver’s License. Ha!

Thus, I was given a bit of kindly advice by the more mature Conducting Agent to head subito… forthwith…  to the local driving school in Fivizzano and talk with its owner, Sig. Baldini, about what will be in-store for me to procure an Italian Driver’s License, and before heading home temporarily protected by a slip of paper issued by said Italian State Official, the more mature Agent, allowing me to this one deviation. After that, I must walk.