Nearly the Last lap... — forrest spears

Appointment with Driving License Destiny is in 12 days from today.

I had thought during the solid month between the Theory Test of last November 15th and the Driving Test on the 22nd of December, I would drive with Baldo twice a week. That should be sufficient. I know how to safely drive a car. From that perspective, I felt I could manage the Driving Test Challenge with a return to the exact same schedule when attending Theory Classes from the time I was nabbed by the Carabinieri back in July until I embarked upon Theory Test Super-Study Over-drive in the middle of last October. As you all know, that paid off. Aced it! So, Tuesday and Thursdays at 10:00AM.

Yeah, 30 minutes circling around Fivizzano. I hated it. Really hated it…

I don’t take instruction well… at all. Tell me what I am supposed to do… The Objective… LET ME DO IT, DAMN-IT!!!… The Execution… and then, you can criticize the heck out of whatever I did…. The Evaluation. I politely asked Baldo for this to be our procedure and I got an immediate…Non ci penso neanche, amico. No way, man. Kind of hurt my feelings. Offended. I do not take offense well… at all. Does this make me out to be an obnoxious person? I wanted to defend, to preserve my way of driving a car which I have done successfully for the last 53 years and with only so much as a fender bender or, two in that time. Surely that will do?

Instead, I was introduced to Baldo’s methods. He’s a foot on, hands waving, head shaking sort of instructor. Does not explain things either. WHAT IS HE DOING? Baldo would not allow me to independently drive the car. A weird sensation too, as I would gently push the accelerator to begin a maneuver and suddenly, I’d feel the car slow down or, even stop. Baldo did not like what I was doing and had depressed either his clutch, his brake or, both. No need for an highly animated lecture on how WRONG my attempt had demonstrated. Got that during his stealth manipulation of the crappy car’s pedals. This is demoralizing. What I wanted to avoid. Was forced to stick with demoralization. The Objective of Italian Driving Instruction has nothing to do with safely driving a car. Again, I know how to safely drive a car. Nope. It was audibly apparent, I did not know how to drive a car Baldo’s Way since… His Objective, the Winning Ticket here… is to get me to pass the Driver’s Test on the 22nd of December. The Examiner wants to see you drive a car as he/she/it/they want you to do it. I am thick headed. Comes from my Scottish roots, I have been told. On the third lesson, I went into Battle Mode. I was going to DEFEND how I drive. I CAN DO THIS! Sinatra’s Anthem, My Way. Drove right past obnoxious towards full-tilt annoying… for Baldo… I am sure. Truly, this was going to end badly. Nevertheless, the man would not leave me alone. As I wrote, thick headed. So, as the pendulum swings, I swung against his every and constant indication, criticism, repetition, etc. while making left and right turns, parallel parking, backing up, reversals, inversions, even just sitting at a traffic light. It was exhausting. Nothing I did met expectations. And, of course, not. I was intolerable. As we tootled towards the AutoScuola, Baldo cut short the lesson by 5 minutes, he braked the car and proceeded into an animated, spit-spewing hissy-fit, the gist of which was… If you insist on driving like you just did today, YOU WILL NOT PASS THE DRIVING TEST!!! He hollered the infamous word… BOCCIATO!!! Finished, he got out of the car, shut the door, and went into his office, probably to smoke a cigarette or, two. I extracted myself from the car… Thank God without instruction from Baldo… and was almost flattened unto a premature Death by an old man barreling up Via Roma in a noisy 1980’s White FIAT Panda 4X4. If you have time to honk, you have time to swerve, is always My Philosophy. I mumbled an ardent hope the geezer would run into a nearby lamp post and cut short his old man life. I also wished him the handy use of his Panda as a convenient coffin. The Fivizzano Cemetery is at the end of Via Roma. Can’t beat that, can you, now? My demise was probably A Suitable End to a horrible driving experience… and all of my own doing too. In hindsight. Inside the safety of my Hyundai Galloper SUV, I immediately called You. Hark! He answered on the first ring. He quietly listened to me tell My Story and then, in his reply, used his I am appalled at me tone of voice. I hate it when he takes to the Opposition. I drove home, caressed and hugged My Two Adoring Dogs, who were ABSOLUTELY THRILLED TO HAVE ME HOME ONCE AGAIN, unlike the Rest of the World, it seemed. Promptly crashed off the wagon of NO WINE by consuming an entire bottle of a chilly Vermentino, while watching Red, White and Royal Blue…

a cleverly done LGBTQ+ movie… Boy, have the Times since changed from my day: Gay was the standard cap-phrase… a story about the son of an American president falling in love with an English HRH Prince. Cute, heart-warming, and often truthful confection on Amazon Prime. And yet, it is also ruthlessly crushing in its media induced poor self-esteem, as one movie critic wrote, by watching Two impossibly beautiful men oogle each other for an hour and a half. And the two protagonists are just that: breathlessly beautiful and masculine. And, in addition to their extreme beauty, they can play the piano, sing, dance and wear tightly tailored suits to perfection too. Fuck.

I went to bed. The dogs followed.

Letting emotions, notions and other sensations settle, I decided for the next lesson, I’d take 10 drops of Lexotan… a miracle tranquillizing drug, the Italian Prozac. I normally only do 5…coupled with the uncharacteristic desire of… I’m going to be pleasant, amenable and attempt to have fun. I want to pass this fucking Driving Test!!! Yes, it was the drug. I arrived. Baldo was smoked out. We spent 30 minuti simpatici insieme. I properly executed all necessary maneuvers, with little assistance on the part of Baldo and for my part, all done with a smile and an easy manner.

Onwards.